Have you ever felt like you wanted to give up on Motherhood? I have.
When I was about 7 months pregnant with my 4 child I remember telling my husband one morning that I did not want to be a mother. The kids were loaded up in the car and we were just heading out the door for church. His reply was, "Too late for that." And it was too late, I knew that. I felt discouraged and depressed. It seemed that all around me mothers were enjoying their calling even with the mountain of laundry and meal planning. Why wasn't I finding this joy?
I remember when I was 21 years-old, and I was living in Brazil and serving as a missionary. At one of our visits, I was sharing with a couple about how I had studied Math Education before entering the mission field and that I planned to return home and finish these studies so I could be a certified teacher. Then I shared that what I really wanted was to be a mother and stay home with my kids like my mom had, rather than work outside the home. The man looked at me and asked, "Why would you stay home and be a mom when you could do so much good in the world with your math?" As I thought about it, I quickly realized that, although I could influence hundreds being a doctor or a architect, the most influence people in my life were my parents.
Fast forward about two years; I am married, expecting our first child, and just finishing up my first year of teaching. Although the first year of teaching was a lot of work, the thought of learning and growing and improving myself as a teacher sounded so exciting and appealing! Plus, my husband was in school and the income would have been really nice! My principal called me in to ask my plans for the next year and I let him know that I would not be coming back. I was surprised at how difficult it was for me to turn down the job so that I could stay home, even though it was something I had planned on my entire life. The only reason I had the courage to do it was because my own mom had always stayed home and I knew what a blessing that was to me. Some people make say that this decision was made because of the culture I was raise in, which is probably true.
Life moved forward and we continued to add more children to our home. With each pregnancy I knew that child needed to be in our family at that time, but with each addition it seemed more difficult for me to love motherhood.
I kept pushing forward, doing those things I knew I needed to do as a wife and mother, but my feelings did not seem to change. I would look back at those times when I had been single and been able to accomplish so much in life! I had taken charge of big projects and loved that feeling of accomplishment! It was easy to see my talents and how I had put them to use when I was single. Thankfully I had been taught about the sacredness of motherhood. Thankfully I had such a wonderful example of a mother in my own life. I read the scriptures, I listened to talks and articles on motherhood, but I still was not changing like I wanted to.
I even remember watching a movie where the man had pursued a career and become quite successful. He then had an experience where he was injured and woke up as a married father and pastor. Over time he learned the having a family was more precious than the successful career. When the movie was over I thought, "I'd choose the career." I was struggling!
Then one day, I realized I needed to utilize the Savior's atonement in a whole new way, different than I ever had. I prayed to my Father in Heaven that he might help me love my calling as a mother. I continued to pray for this and do all that I knew I needed to be doing. I began to see glimmers of light, where I was able to enjoy moments of motherhood. I still have so much to learn, but my love for motherhood has increased as I continue to rely on my Savior to help my weakness become my strength.
I realize that motherhood for everyone is very different. There are those who love to cook and clean and always be home, while others might feel best being able to get out of the home and work and being together in the evenings. I have learned, that we all do what is best for our family and our situation.
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